Supposedly, Monday was the most depressing day of the year, statistically. Christmas bills are due, the weather sucks, its a Monday, and most people have broken their New Years Resolutions by then. It has, in general, been a rather sucky week, though there have been bright spots.
Today capped it all off. I've been thinking recently about the way I talk about my school and the view of it that I present. While I try not to be negative about it on this blog, I've concluded that I am often very negative about it otherwise, and that what I say does little to encourage those who already have a negative view of public education. I want people to support it, but at the same time to be aware of its ugly side. Rarely am I able to strike a good balance.
A co-worker shared this op-ed from the NYTimes with me earlier this week. I have a lot of thoughts on this, but, pretty much, I've fallen into the trap of the Myth of the Great Teacher. I cannot shake my desire to save the world. This is what has led to my utter frustration.
We had a number of fights yesterday that spilled in today. I could feel the unrest among the students when I headed to my hall duty half an hour before school started. Shortly before the bell rang to start the school day, a herd of 50+ students rushed down the stairs to the cafeteria, tipping me off that there was a fight. In the chaos that ensued over the next 15-20 minutes, I noticed that a number of my generally upstanding, responsible, clear-headed students were among those rushing to see the fight.
To say the least, I was very disappointed in them. I could sense the continued unrest as they entered my class and decided to forego the lesson for a time and talk some things out. I started with having them list the reasons someone runs to a fight: entertainment, excitement, to see who's fighting, to have something to gossip about, boredom. Next I asked them to list the consequences of a fight or running to it: jail, suspension, damage to the school's reputation, injury, death. I asked them what they thought I thought about students running toward a fight: stupid, immature, irresponsible, no moral fiber, lacking self-control. Yes, I said, I did think all those things. I challenged them to think through it and decide whether or not the consequences they had listed were worth the reasons they ran to the fight, plus their damaged reputation in my eyes.
We had some real honesty and sharing. I know that my students respect me, every last one of them, and they know that I love them and respect them as well, every last one of them. They were able to voice their frustration with the administration and suggest real, viable suggestions for improving safety at school. We also discussed what they, as the leaders of the school, could do to help change the culture of the school.
In two classes out of three, I think that some mental cogs started turning, thinking seriously about their individual responsibility outside of merely the school environment and the impact of their words on others. I was impressed with their thoughtful remarks and candid assessment of our culture. The third class, after a food-fight in the cafeteria, only saddened and frustrated me. A number of students expressed their gloomy thought that there was little point in trying to change anything in our society because things have always been bad and always will be. Students from different cultural backgrounds expressed diametrically opposed views on a matter and no one could get past how they just didn't understand where the other was coming from, with no attempt to understand the other position. Not a good note to end an already bad day on.
It was altogether harrowing and I climbed into my car empty and on the verge of tears, which I quickly succumbed to. Driving home, I got caught at the light at the corner of Freedom Parkway and Boulevard, staring at the giant metal outline of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I was overwhelmed again by the contrast between his ideals and sacrificial death and my students' lack of understanding of any of those concepts. Very few of them could even begin to fathom that someone would not fight back if hit, that there was any reason related to the greater good of society for which someone would submit to personal injury, even to the point of death.
The fact that you got to have a moment like that, connecting Martin Luther King's teachings to the realities of human nature, makes your job one that is meaningful to me. You reached some kids, and you learned something yourself, and that makes you better equipped to teach selflessness and be selfless. Keep fighting the good fight!
I have always loved the circus. Growing up, the Ringling Brothers circus was always in Raleigh over my birthday and I have fond memories of attending every year. I think my second grade birthday party was taking a group of friends to the circus with me. On my birthday, my mom always made me a cake from a clown mold, decorated with colorful, piped icing. Last year on my birthday, Kate stealthily procured said cake pan from my mother and baked my birthday cake in it.
FSU is home to "the nation's oldest collegiate aerial circus," established in 1947 by Jack Haskins as halftime entertainment at football games, in attempt increase the fan base. (Yeah, I was a tour guide and that was part of my spiel.) Attending the circus in April every year while I was there is one of my favorite FSU memories. When I think about going back to Tallahassee, I try to plan a trip around the first 2 weekends in April so that I can see the circus.
Last night, Amy, Jess, and I went to see Cirque de Soleil's Corteo. It was so good. Amy and I saw Delirium while it was here in April, and while it was good, it wasn't circus-y enough for me. I love the circus for the jugglings, the acrobatics, the high-flying antics.
Corteo was put together in excellent fashion. I liked the story, the costumes and music were amazing, it made me laugh, and the performers kept me on the edge of my seat for over two hours. Jess said it was the best show she's ever seen and I tend to agree. While it's not a cheap ticket, it is one of the few entertainments I've been to that I wholeheartedly would say it was worth every penny.
I feel compelled to blog, but can't really think of anything to blog about. There are, as always, millions of thoughts running rampant through my brain. Today, they mostly pertain to the church and loving our neighbors, but they are yet too muddled to share with the world. So instead of dwelling on things that frustrate me and are for the most part utterly incomprehensible, I will ponder the things that make me smile...
1. my friends 2. good food 3. WORDS 4. FSU winning basketball games 5. gas heat 6. crossword puzzles 7. playing ultimate 8. teaching 9. hiking 10. flannel pajamas 11. meeting new people 12. Atlanta 13. reading 14. yellow, blue, and purple 15. water-skiing 16. sunshine 17. snow days 18. foosball 19. email in my inbox 20. learning new things 21. comfortable shoes 22. my red couch
We left the Badlands and headed east on I-90. That night, we stopped in Jackson, MN to camp. At the exit we chose, there was a state park and a KOA campground- we decided to try for the state park. We were also on empty, with about 30 miles left according to the dash. The signs indicated that the state park was 9 miles away, so we decided to get gas in the morning. Following the signs to the state park led us past a historical homestead site and into massive amounts of cornfields. As it was about 6:00pm Saturday night, we were listening to Prairie Home Companion. There was something poignant about listening to Garrison Keillor, driving through cornfields on a dirt road, on my first trip through Minnesota. We drove and drove and drove, at least 11 miles, looking for another sign directing us toward the state park. At some point, we realized that we were not going to find it and that we barely had enough gas to turn around and make it back to the gas stations next to the Interstate. So, KOA it was.
My first thoughts upon climbing out of the car in Minnesota were of humidity. It had been 2 weeks of almost no humidity and all of a sudden, I was smacked in the face with a wall of moisture. I'm sure it was nothing like I had dealt with most of the summer in Atlanta, but it felt so thick you could cut it with a knife. And it smelled funny.
All of the tent campsites at this particular KOA were lined up about 15 feet from the edge of the Super 8 motel parking lot. All illusions of "wilderness" were officially shattered. We went for a swim and made dinner. While we were making dinner, one of the most bizarre experiences of the trip occurred. A middle aged-man, probably in his 40s walked up to us. We had seen him and his 2 sons, both teenagers, while swimming. He informed us that they were about to watch a movie and and asked if we would like to join them. With perfectly straight faces, the pinnacle of politeness, we informed him that we were very tired and would be going to sleep well before a movie would end, thank you. SKETCHY!!!
At least, we thought we would be going to bed. We did not count on the noise of the monster truck rally across the street nor the street lights from the motel parking lot keeping us awake.
The next morning, we hopped back in the car and headed for Chicago. We stopped briefly in Wisconsin for gas, just to say that we had stopped in Wisconsin. We hit Chicago toll booth traffic about 3pm and I got to put my new stick-shift driving skills to the test. We drove to Kate's cousin's Rachel's apartment in Wheaton where we were spending the night. Rachel wasn't feeling too well, so Kate and I drove into the city, in search of a piercing parlor. I called my friend Kindri in SanFran who used to live in Chicago and had gotten her nose pierced there, for a recommendation, which she cheerfully supplied. An hour later, I had a new piercing and we sat down to some Chicago-style deep dish pizza.
All that night I was so tired, but could not yawn because it hurt my nose to stretch it that much.
The next day, we got up early, went to meet some more of Kate's cousins before they went to work, and headed south down I-65 towards Atlanta. It Kentucky, it was strange to drive by Mammoth Cave NP without stopping. Kate had saved tons of work for this last day of driving, so I drove most of the way. Once inside the perimeter, we both pretty much lost it, dying laughing as I tried to steer, faced with the reality that we were back in Atlanta, trip over, and had to return to work in less than a week.
Over the break, I experienced a tremendous amount of personal frustration, discontentment, and languidity. Since I moved to Atlanta, I have never wanted to leave, and have often said I would spend the rest of my life here. Yet over the break, I felt an itch to move. I had the urge to do something "fun and exciting." Never entirely sure what I meant by that. I always have this desire over Christmas break, but its usually sated by a post-Christmas sale shopping trip. Not this year. I began to realize that all I had done for the last four months was work, coach cross country, and look for a pastor, rarely seeing my friends and constantly overwhelmed and exhausted. I think "fun and exciting" may have just encompassed getting out of my rut.
I was despairing of going back to work, not only because I was enjoying wasting time so much, but because I had no feeling of refreshment and expected only 5 more months of drudgery.
How differently things have turned out from my expectations. Yes, there are still plenty of systemic educations issues that are frustrating and fight to sap my energy, but I have been so glad to be back in the classroom this week. My students have provided me the energy and refreshment I was craving. We have laughed together (LOTS), learned together, and played together. And they have reminded me that they are the reason that I teach.
I'm teaching Romeo and Juliet again, which means my favorite literary term lesson: PUNS!!
I was getting a little tired of some of the puns I've used for the last few years, so I had to find a couple more to spice things up for myself this year. Read on, if you dare.
Of course, my favorite remains: A farmer had 200 head of cattle. He thought he only had 196 until he rounded them up.
And... There was poor cross-eyed teacher who had no classroom management: She had trouble controlling her pupils.
And there was this poor man who worked at an orange juice factory. He got canned because he couldn't concentrate.
His friend worked at a blanket factory, but he lost his job when the whole company folded.
Erin and I went hiking on Tuesday and it was a good time of thinking and processing for me. She is one of the greatest blessing I have in my life- we've known each other since I was 12, been through a lot of changes in our lives, gone down different roads from each other, and yet somehow have wound up both in Atlanta, very different people from who we were 16 years ago, but still kindred spirits- she gets me in a way few people do. So it was a good day, just because we got to hang out. We were talking about new years resolutions. I had decided that I didn't need to make any this year, since I kept mine in 2006, to not eat any chocolate. She did however mention writing in my journal.
Its been about 3 years since I've written consistently in mine. But when I do, my mind is so much clearer. I'm a very verbal processor- whether that's written or spoken, I just have to get the words on paper to figure out what I really think. I think I changed my mind out loud 4 times in 20 minutes yesterday as I thought through some deep stuff. Rather confusing for those listening to me.
All that said, I have resolved this year to write more frequently in my journal. Only problem is, when I write in my journal, I write for hours. Hours that I don't really have, since aside from my busy schedule, and after sleeping, wasting time is the thing I am best at. Maybe if I make myself journal, I will waste less time and be more productive for my less-muddled head...
I completely understand, courtney. I always feel kind of guilty for writing in a journal, like I should have more productive things to be doing, instead of living inside my head so much. That's why I like the blog, though. It feels more productive, because my thoughts are actually published, and for more private issues, I usually work those out verbally with my husband, mom, etc.
What's helped me before is to have a regular time to do it everyday (often before I went to sleep at night), and just say to myself that I'm going to write for ten minutes before I go to sleep. Then it's easy to get started.
This post is more for me than for you, but read on if you will...
2006 read:
Rainbow Valley
L.M. Mongomery
Anne of Ingleside
L.M. Mongomery
The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman
Ernest J. Gaines
Anne's House of Dreams
L.M. Mongomery
The Great Gatsby
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Anne of Windy Poplars
L.M. Mongomery
Anne of the Island
L.M. Mongomery
Anne of Avonlea
L.M. Mongomery
Anne of Green Gables
L.M. Mongomery
Of Mice and Men
John Steinbeck
Things Fall Apart
Chinua Achebe
The Scarlet Letter
Nathaniel Hawthorne
Walden
Henry David Thoreau
The Sun Also Rises
Ernest Hemingway
Fahrenheit 451
Ray Bradbury
Blue Shoe
Anne Lamott
Native Son
Richard Wright
The Water is Wide
Pat Conroy
One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich
Alexander Solzhenitsyn
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
Carson McCullers
Educating Esme
Esme Raji Codell
Ava's Man
Rick Bragg
Gilead
Marilynne Robinson
Naked
David Sedaris
Summer Sisters
Judy Blume
The End of the Affair
Graham Greene
The Crying of Lot 49
Thomas Pynchon
Fever, 1793
Laurie Halse Anderson
Monster
Walter Dean Myers
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Jonathan Safran Foer
Speak
Laurie Halse Anderson
A Lost Lady
Willa Cather
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Milan Kundera
The Scarlet Pimpernel
Baroness Orczy
Everything is Illuminated
Jonathan Safran Foer
Pudd'nhead Wilson
Mark Twain
The Plot Against America
Philip Roth
The Enduring Community
Les Newsom and Brian Habig
Romeo and Juliet
William Shakespeare
Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America
Barbara Ehrenreich
The Little Prince
Antoine de St. Exupery
2006 saw in the theater:
End of the Spear Pirates of the Carribean 2
2006 new states visited:
Idaho Montana Wyoming South Dakota Minnesota Wisconsin Indiana
bringing the total to 28 states visited
2006 resolutions kept:
no chocolate for the whole year
2006 other things of note:
started coaching cross country 5th year teaching
This is a lovely list of lists, but I don't feel like it really encapsulates 2006 for me. I'm not really sure what it would take to encapsulate 2006. Maybe that's why I have a blog anyway.
courtney, like toothpaste out of the tube and the genie out of the bottle, you have broken free from the bonds of capsulization, never to be encapsulated again.
because that's what coaching cross country will do for a girl.
2 Comments:
The fact that you got to have a moment like that, connecting Martin Luther King's teachings to the realities of human nature, makes your job one that is meaningful to me. You reached some kids, and you learned something yourself, and that makes you better equipped to teach selflessness and be selfless. Keep fighting the good fight!
And how do you change the world?
1. By actually giving a d__n
2. One life at a time
3. Prayer
You're doin' it, sista.
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